A Year of Spiritual Soul-Searching

I opened this blog about a year ago and with the everyday business of life I have failed to follow through on my intention of regularly posting entries on the website.  The fact that this is the first entry suggests that nothing will ever be written without a deliberate, intentional, and well-disciplined plan.  So that is what I intend to do going forward.  But that begs the question:  “What do I write now?”

My original idea was to post items that reflect my eclectic interests that range from religion, sports, education, politics, and current events.  So I will follow through with some personal reflections about the spiritual journey of my family during the 15 months.  It has been an interesting year.  My wife and I changed churches while living in the same city for the first time in over 30 years.  Interestingly enough the last time we did this we were also living in Lubbock.  It has been said that Lubbock has more churches and restaurants per capita than any city in America.  I don’t know if that is true, but there does seem to be a church on every corner, and there is a new restaurant opening every month.  We have never had trouble deciding where we were going to go to church.  Usually we were going to the church where I worked, a church where we knew of a specific ministry in which we wanted to serve, or it was the only choice available within our denomination.  Twice we were blessed to find a definite fit immediately without a long search process.

After the 15th move in 35, that was 4 years ago, it is rather remarkable that we found ourselves at a total loss of where to work and worship for the first time ever. This time was definitely different.  We had no idea where we wanted to go.  It was not because no choices were available.  Perhaps a part of the problem was that there were too many options available (at least on paper).  However, the real dilemma for us grew out of some differences of opinion over doctrinal issues and how to deal with some grievous sins committed by church members.  Efforts to bring those sins into a proper light created animosity among members, and led a number of more seasoned members to leave that fellowship.  Deep wounds were inflicted on certain members because of the sin and the process of wrestling with the proper response to that sin.  A year later there is still healing going on.  More for some than for others.

The depth of those wounds for us arose from lies told about us and those we loved.  Those lies were aimed at protecting the perpetrators of the sin.  We were robbed of our hearts for ministry.  We had been seeing the wide circle of spiritual devastation that was resulting from a series of events that started as seemingly innocent and well-intentioned, but that were part of a devious scheme to manipulate and control certain church members.  Concomitantly, their was effort to prevent more seasoned members from stepping in to put a stop to these actions.  We soon grew to recognize these actions for what they truly were: manipulative, controlling, hurtful, and ultimately evil.  When we became a target in the illicit defense, we knew it was time to leave.  We forced ourselves to go to church somewhere every Sunday while we sought to make sense of it all. 

At risk were dozens of young Christians who were caught in the middle and without any basis for judging who was right or who was wrong.  Because of the lies told about us and our family, we knew we could no longer continue worshiping there, even though we had been integrally involved in the work being done there.  Our presence would have been a hindrance to the good work being done in spite of the problems that existed.  We could have stayed, brought everything out into the open, and then left with the intention of pulling as many members away as possible.  As I grew up, I witnessed this happen three times over pure matters of opinion, personality conflicts, and desire for control and power.  Unlike those situations, in this case grievous sin was involved and being covered up by leadership.  It was a fight that we would have lost and was not worth fighting.

One major question that may confront many Christians at least once in their faith journeys is , “When is it time to leave a place of worship in favor of another?”  When I was in ministry, that decision was made for me twice.  That is one of the reasons I left full-time ministry as a profession.  All the other times we changed places of worship, it was because of a move to another community.  We discussed moving once when we had been at a place for a large number of years, but decided to stay and I believe our decision was blessed.

The people with whom we worked and worshiped were always the first consideration in those decisions.  We have stayed at places where we were not happy with a number of things that were happening, but saw our ministries as more important that our own personal preferences.  There are some similarities in to that decision and the decision that many must make in regard to marriage.  We put up with less desirable things for the sake of staying in a relationship because that relationship transcends everything else.  You learn to focus on the positives and let the negative things slide.  The blessings for staying usually far outweigh the cost.

That mindset made the decision to leave work and relationships very painful.  But the decision to leave was still based on what we deemed to be best for all involved.  Staying would have necessitated more questions and negative discussion than would have been healthy for the tender hearts of the new Christians.  It was better for them to think ill of us, if needed, than to be placed in a position to decide who was lying and who was telling the truth.  Neither was optimal, but we knew if we stayed, there would be much greater turmoil and devastation than if we left.  It reminded me of the Parable of the Tares.  The master told the slaves to leave the tares with the wheat lest the ripping out of the tares would be more damaging to the wheat.  The master told his workers that the wheat and tares would be separated at the harvest.  Knowing our own imperfections, we left praying that the Lord would deal with each individual involved according to His will and to each individual’s needs and within the constraints of His impeccable timing.

I wish I could say that I have not lost sleep over that decision or second-guessed it numerous times.  However, as time has passed, I have gained a sense of peace that the Lord in His sovereign wisdom will bring about the end that is appropriate for all.  It is not up to me to fix all wrongs and deal with all the evils of the world.  I have enough trouble dealing with the evil that is within my own heart.   Thanks be to God for his loving grace, mercy and forgiveness afforded to us through the blood of His beloved Son, Jesus Christ.

We have settled into another church and have been blessed by involvement in some new ministries and trust that our new home will offer opportunities to minister and to receive ministry.  God is good.